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The collection of Tolkien humor and parodies

Contents

Jokes

Limerics

Ring Chant Parodies

Links to other sites with Tolkien humor

2. The humor based on the books by J.R.R.T. himself and their Russian translations.

The jokes presented here are all from the 2nd category. They were translated from the "Red book of the West Jokes" by Erfarot Gil-Angharot. Translated by Mithrilian. Enjoy them!

"Trolls! Trolls!" - Pippin yelled.
"No," - Frodo smiled. "You forgot your own history. Those three are made
of stone and their names are  Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson".

                               * * *

The herald from Mordor promised Dain all 7 Rings, for his cooperation.
4 of the Rings he promised to pull back from the dragons. And if Dain
refused,  he  would  received those 4 rings,  anyway....   _with_ the
dragons.....

                               * * *

Gandalf, trying to light his pipe in Moria: "Naur an adriat ammin! Naur
an adriat ammin! Oh, damn it,  _that_ spell is for waking Balrogs. Now,
for the pipe..."

                               * * *

When poor Saruman lost his job and home, he decided to open sex service
on the phone: 1-900-SARUMAN.  He's got a magic voice, remember?

                               * * *


Q: How many hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: One hobbit and a large heap of Russian translations of
The Lord of the Rings to help him reach the lamp.

A2:  Two hobbits,  (because  one  is only as tall as  half  a man),  one
magician to read the words written on the lamp, and you need to gather a
band of men, hobbits, elves and dwarves to carry broken lightbulb and to
destroy it in Orodruin.

                               * * *

A couple of other lightbulb jokes can be found here:

How many hobbits does it take to change a light
bulb?

   One to complain that the light bulb isn't working,
   Five to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it,
   Twenty to form an expedidtion to the fabled Lightbulb mines of
Mythrill,
   Thirty to throw a going away party,
   One to ask Gandalf for directions,
   One to sell into slavery when the petty cash runs out,
   Five to get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers,
monsters etc),
   One to thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb mine,
   Two to carry the lightbulbs,
   Five to find a large, sword-welding barbarian to escort the
lightbulbs home,
   Thirty to throw a safe return party,
   Five to find an elf tall enough to change the lightbulb,
   Five to compose ballads of daring, heroism, sacrifice and
lightbulbs,
   Finally another two-hundred to appear in the subsequent
Tolkien books.

There were nine Nazguls in Mordor Whose mounts were out of order With terrific loud moans They rattled their bones And emitted peculiar odor.	There was once a Worm in the hill Who thought it was rather a thrill To gather more gold It could possibly hold And lay on it perfectly still.
There was once a Balrog in Moria Who thought he was rather a warrior But he lost all his airs As he fell down the stairs He felt sorry and then even sorrier.
Mages' Cycle:
There was once a mage named Olorin Who required a pipe every mornin'. Of expensive pipe-weed He was never in need 'Cause he found the tobacco too borin'.	There was a white mage in the Tower Whose morals grew lower and lower. To settle his problems He meddled with goblins And greatly annoyed the Green Power.
There was once a mage of brown hue Who always behaved outta cue. Zoological quest Kept him far from the West And of Men very little he knew.	'Tis said that the two of blue color Were also sent forth by the Valar, But of what they have done Very little is known For they practiced the best part of valor.

Three Rings for the Elven-kings
                 under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords
        in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men
                  doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord
              on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor
           where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all,
           One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
    and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor
           where the Shadows lie.

     The original chant
       from the Lord of the Rings

Ash nazg durbatuluk,
ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatuluk
agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!

       The original ring
       inscription from the LoTR

This ring, no other,
      is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother
      to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper,
      mortal, and scallop,
This is the sleeper
      that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty
      rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty,
      for doing your Own Thing.
If brocken or busted,
      it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed
      (the postage is prepaid).

      "Bored of the rings"
      by Henry N. Beard,
      Douglas C. Kenney

Grundig blaupunkt luger frug
Watusi snarf wazoo!
Nixon dirksen nasahist
Rebozo boogaloo.

   Inscription in black language
   from the "Bored of the rings"

The Internet

Three Nets for the Stanford Nethax
      under the Quad,
Seven for the MIT Hackers
      in their halls of stone,
Nine for Crays doomed to die,
One for NIC on its dark
      DECSYSTEM-2060
In the LANs of SRI
      where the shadows lie.
One Internet to rule them all,
      One Internet to find them,
One Internet to bring them all
      and in the ether bind them
In the LANs of SRI
      where the shadows lie.

  Computer folklore. Author unknown (?)

or, a slightly more modern version

Three servers for Athena,
     which now runs MIT,
Nine for BARRNet,
     doomed to plunge into the Sea
Seven for Rutgers & JvNCNet,
     always a luse,
One for the NIC,
     to do whatever they choose.
One server to rule them,
     one server to find them,
One server to run them all,
     and with %HOSTADDR bind them,
In the land of Mordor
     where the shadows lie.

  Computer folklore. Author unknown (?)

Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.

       Computer folklore.
       Author unknown (?)

English:

Tolkienparodies at Martijn Bot homepage

The Scouring of the Shire

Lightbulb jokes at Paul Hill's Tolkien page

Windows 95 meets the Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings Rap

100 Tips to Evil Overlord (Not Tolkien, but fun)

Russian:

Parodies in "Eglador" (supported by Cyrill Slobin)

A script for the play Odna Bashnya (The One Tower) (also can be found in "Arda-na-Kulichkah").

Heroic Songs of South Gondor

Tolkien anecdotes. Supported by Sergey Semovskij

Slava Polonsky.

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